An Enduring Love

by on 8:22 pm in spiritual communities

Context:

In September 2011, I published a story entitled Free Fall in the men’s anthology that I edited. Free Fall gave a brief account of the invaluable lessons I learned and the powerful and beautiful experiences I encountered while immersed in two intentional, intensive spiritual communities. I also related various adverse reactions to my involvement, leading to my decision to exit those two communities, one in 1983, the other during 2002. Although I have not since visited either of those communities, I have had periodic contact with members of both groups, particularly the latter one, a Sufi organization in which I actively participated with my wife Ruth for 11 years. Ruth and I have been core members of  a larger, international Sufi organization since 2004.

Recent Heart Burst:

On June 14, 2013, Ruth and I hosted a small fundraising presentation and dinner at our home for a fabulous and highly successful program called “For Kids’ Sake.” While we were involved with the community, we loved working on this project to support Bangladeshi orphanages and schools. We hosted a previous fundraiser for this project in 2007. Saafia, the current program coordinator, and her husband Rafi, stayed with us for two days, en route to a wedding in southwestern Colorado. We hadn’t had any contact with these two amazing people since leaving the community in 2002.

Shema_Rafi

Saafia and Rafi

 

Literally within a few minutes of our reconnection with this beautiful couple, the mutual love between us was palpable. Amidst an openness that characterizes this spiritual group, our conversation flowed easily as we caught up with each other’s lives and as Ruth and I eagerly inquired about recent community developments. I was continually struck by Rafi’s and Saafia’s shiny, fiery eyes, brimming with warmth and wisdom.

Saafia’s very articulate, passionate presentation resulted in a $1500 contribution to For Kids’ Sake from the living-room full of people. After dinner, we continued conversing until late night, dipping into some deeper and more personal topics. Before the couple “hit the road” the next morning, each of us acknowledged the deep bond we formed because of our shared spiritual path.

Despite choosing to leave our former Sufi community over a decade ago, Ruth and I have enormous respect and lingering warm feelings for this devoted group. We have always perused  its semi-annual journal, which is chuck-full of photos and details about the local and global activities in which its members are involved.  Saafia and Rafi exemplified the full-heartedness and maturity of the community members—one of the highest functioning, illuminated communities that Ruth and I have ever witnessed.

Reference:

Sharon, J:  Ordinary Men, Extraordinary Lives:  Defining Moments.  Centennial, CO:  Energy for Life, 2011.

http://forkidssake.net/us

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Emotional Awareness and Expression

by on 6:13 pm in emotions

Hopefully, many of you will find this to be a dry blog because you’re already living what I’m about to discuss. However, as a therapist and coach for decades, I’ve found that the majority of people I encounter struggle with identifying and/or expressing their feelings.  Most of these folks happen to be male—no surprise, as we guys are conditioned to acknowledge two main emotions: happy or angry.

happy-woman

Like anything else, gaining emotional facility requires intention, attention and regular practice.

You could read a lot of books about emotionality, but I maintain that you’d benefit a lot more by developing the daily habit of periodically asking yourself what you’re feeling at that moment. You might also seek feedback from others who know you well and with whom you are comfortable to have support your emotional awareness.

 

Sad Man

You may or may not know what triggered a given emotion. Regardless, it’s powerful to increase contact with yourself—as Socrates advised, “Know thyself.” Men, particularly, need to question what feeling (s) may underlay anger, such as being afraid or anxious.  Your life and emotional communication will take on more color (like a box of 64 crayons), as you strive to develop a feeling vocabulary.   Here are some examples, but by no means an exhaustive list:

Primal/Basic Emotion           Descriptors, Offshoots or Nuances

Glad                                         happy, pleased, delighted, thrilled, elated, overjoyed, exuberant, “jazzed”

Sad                                           hurt, dejected, downcast, lonely, empty, miserable, “down in the dumps”

Mad                                         angry, disgusted, furious, enraged, boiling, “pissed off,” “seeing red”

Scared                                    nervous, anxious, frightened, terrified, petrified, “freaked out”

With regard to emotional expression, it’s ideal to strike a balance between editing (“biting one’s tongue”) and expressing—most of us overdo one direction.  We need to discern timing, frequency, duration and intensity of emotional remarks. Too little expression can represent avoidance or withholding feelings, whereas excessive amounts (“dumping”) often proves inappropriate, offensive, or draining to others.  Owning your feelings, needs/wants and requests, and delivering them respectfully, is foundational to clear, clean, direct communication. Right out of “Communication 101,” the basic format for such expression is:  “I feel/want (etc.)….”

Over-processing your feelings can become a drag and a burden. I endorse the Buddhist approach called “three keys to feeling:”  1) fully feel your emotion  2) Choose to detach from it—witness it without the intensity or charge  3) Decide to release the feeling for the time being. Strong emotions could be revisited at a later time, following the same three steps. Increased consciousness and dissipation of the intensity tends to eventually ensue.

Emotional vitality is an integral part of overall health and a gateway to the soul!

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Majestic Stillness

by on 4:03 pm in beauty, stillness; beauty

Jim_Ruth_nuptuals

This past week, Ruth and I were graced with the luxury of a condo vacation in Granby, CO, a placid mountain community nestled 15 miles north of the popular Winter Park resort. We immersed ourselves in the serenity and natural beauty/grandeur of the area. Also, we deepened our daily spiritual practices. We attuned to our inner guidance about our spiritual offerings, which are an integral part of our work.

In the process, we realized that we were working too hard, so we prioritized our projects. We revamped a couple projects and painfully released a couple of others, in order to dedicate ourselves to those with the strongest calling.

We balanced our focused work with outdoor activities that include:

  • Hiking through Rocky Mountain National Park, stopping to gaze at a moose and an antelope herd feeding
  • Absorbing the local color and super-friendly folks during a Grand Lake Veteran’s Day parade
  • Peddle-boating on Grand Lake, mesmerized by sunlight and mountain-tree reflections dancing on the shimmering water
  • Standing under a nuptial canopy, renewing our vows, two weeks before our 43rd wedding anniversary (outside the historic Grand Lake Lodge, overlooking Grand Lake and Shadow Lake below and surrounded by large mountain ranges)
  • Soaking in Hot Sulfur Springs, deepening in relaxation and clarity

We’d be hard-pressed to list the gorgeous scenery that our eyes feasted on throughout the week. However, two natural phenomena immediately come to mind:  an orange, yellow and black bird with white specks, and the twilight sun shining on the snow-covered peaks outside of Winter Park.

We returned home refreshed and greatly inspired to resume our rich, blessed work as coaches, counselors, authors and speakers.  A continual reminder to us was that quieting and stillness breeds delicious presence, relaxed centeredness and wisdom.

 

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Looking the Other Way

by on 3:00 pm in sexual assault

Jerry-Sandusky

Along with much of our world, I was deeply disturbed by two heinous sex scandals that surfaced during the past 18 months. As a Penn State University (PSU) alumnus, I felt ashamed to learn of University officials’ cover-up of former PSU defensive football coach Jerry Sandusky, who was arrested in November 2011. Secondly, I was extremely outraged to learn of the December 2012 New Delhi brutal gang rape and murder of a 23-year-old Indian woman, perpetrated by all six men on a bus, including the driver. The latter incident was so egregious and so widely publicized and protested that the Indian government and justice system was forced to prosecute the offenders, deviating from its too-common practice of ignoring rapes.

New Delhi

Last week, two recent, much-less publicized news articles concerning institutional sexual offenses rekindled my anger and concern about these kinds of violations. A spring 2013 Pentagon study reported a nearly 40% increase in the number of military members who were sexually assaulted in 2012 as compared to the previous year. Furthermore, according to the Defense Department, almost half of the victims indicated that they feared retaliation if they reported the crimes. The Air Force actually acknowledged that it is struggling to contain “a cancer” of sexual assault in its ranks, while President Obama pledged to reduce the number of such future crimes and to punish officials who dismiss reports.

I was also upset to read a U.S. Department of Justice report published on the front page of the Denver Post May 17, 2013. The report revealed that The Denver Women’s Correctional Facility, located about 15 miles from my residence, received the notoriety of staff members committing the highest incidence of reported sexual assault or sexual misconduct of any prison system in the U.S.  The interim executive director of the Colorado Department of Corrections promised that each allegation would be thoroughly investigated and that offending employees would be held accountable.

As we are starting to realize in enacting gun control measures, these globally-rampant incidents of sexual misconduct, especially assault, must be drastically reduced before they reach scandalous proportions. We need to address the issue on every level, starting with the disdain and aggression that underlies such behavior. I suggest that the responsibility for reform be shared by families, educators, mental health professionals, supervisors, and lawmakers. Where can you plug in?

 

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Oh, Baby!

by on 11:29 am in babies

Jim Izzie Hannah

My second granddaughter, Isabella Maya, turned a month old yesterday. I’ll see her for the fifth time later today, Mother’s Day. Each time I’m in her presence, my heart melts and I’m mesmerized just looking at her—all the more so while holding her. Her “perfect” features add to my delight, but are really just “icing” on the scrumptious “cake.”

In my personal/family and professional life (including teaching eight series to expectant first-time fathers), I have witnessed that the majority of men fall into one of two categories:  those that adore infants versus those who can’t relate to children until they turn about seven. I’m obviously in the former camp. I was even “taken” by my youngest sister until she turned two, when I became very competitive with her for the attention/affection she drew.

One phenomenon that surprises me every time is that a lot of seemingly tough or gruff guys, most recently my mother’s man friend, become spellbound gazing at newborns. I believe that most of these men are captivated by the same qualities that I find so endearing, the sheer innocence/purity and peace that these tiny creatures exude. Despite the simplicity of babies’ basic, primitive needs, these qualities appear very palpable. My sense, as well as my spiritual belief, is that these little beings remain in the angelic realm awhile. However, it doesn’t take too long for their egos to emerge.

I can’t wait to hold sweet Isabella (Izzie) on my lap and stare down lovingly at her again this afternoon. I am also eager to again watch her eight-year-old sister Hannah cherishing her new, live “doll.” Hannah and I truly savor each of Isabella’s gestures and sounds. Hannah often softly utters “awe!,” as she observes Izzie’s graceful movements and hears her purr.

We can all extract some vital messages or lessons from the infant kingdom, especially amidst the complexity and stresses of our lives. Learning aside, these precious beings have an exceptionally calming/soothing influence on our bodies and serve to restore our soulfulness.

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A Most Soulful Day

by on 7:01 pm in joy

When love comes in and takes you for a spin, oh la la, c’est magnifique (it’s magnificent)! ~ From the song C’est Magnifique, composed by Cole Porter

For me, last Saturday was deliciously soulful—what is commonly dubbed a “banner day!” It began with my wife Ruth facilitating a meditation group at our temple. True to Ruth’s nature, she artfully interwove themes of unity, peace/harmony, glory and majesty. By the end of the relatively brief session, the small group in attendance had filled the room with palpably glowing energy.

marriage book workshop

During the afternoon, Ruth and I hosted 10 of the 20 couples who are writing sidebars for our forthcoming book Secrets of a Soulful Marriage. Through rich plenary-group and small-group discussions, along with the process of refining written drafts, we fleshed out and enlivened various attributes of a soulful marriage. Some of the themes that emerged involved:  devotion, respect, adoration, honoring of individual differences, championing autonomy and personal growth, life balance, etc. Ruth and I had the great privilege of speaking about the development of our nearly 43-year marriage and about our strong calling to write this book. The high quality/consciousness of the couples and the depth of the shared remarks pervaded our home with love! The stark beauty of the gathering intensified Ruth’s and my commitment to encourage a growing community of soulful couples.

Last night, over 50 people attended a milestone birthday party for Ruth. The guests included four generations of local family members, friends we’ve known as far back as the 70’s and 80’s, and friends we’ve made during the past year.  While my “lit-up” wife received her share of tributes, the “show-stealer” was our infant granddaughter Isabella Maya, born exactly three-weeks ago; a number of folks clamored for the opportunity to hold her.

Just like the excitement that accompanies a peak experience, my heart was dancing from these day-long, glorious events.

Your divinely elegant or awe-inspiring day may look very different than mine. I invite you to recall one such day from your past and to manifest another one soon.

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Coffee, Roses, or Both?

by on 4:50 pm in presence

What is essential is invisible to the eye. ~ The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Rose

“Wake up and smell the coffee!” “Stop and smell the roses.” I regard these trite commands as very apt advice for our contemporary culture, in which so many of us are absorbed with work and/or technology. I’ll place my order for several deep whiffs of the delicate flower and the brewed aroma.

The past several months, I’ve been working too much on too many projects. Although I enjoy and value each one of them, knowing that I serve in the process, I’ve recently been feeling saturated. Can you relate? Listening to my inner guidance this lovely spring Saturday morning, I pulled the plug on one of those “glorious” projects, and instantly felt greeted by a summer night’s breeze. Before doing so, I engaged my wife, Ruth, in about an hour of inane and silly conversation, as we lounged in bed. Each of us relished the refreshment.

Upon arising, I consciously sensitized myself to the feel of the shower water penetrating my skin—what simple pleasure! Proceeding to cut the grass, I also attuned more than usual to my yard and to the cloudless blue sky.

Hannah and Isabella

The afternoon served up the prime delight of the day! My elderly mother, Ruth and I visited our two-week-old granddaughter, Isabella. Once again, I was captivated by this cherubic creature hanging out in a miniature, yet perfect human body. I basked in Isabella’s sublimely peaceful state, especially while delicately holding her and staring down at her. The smell of her head and the touch of her silky-smooth skin and fine hair embellished my pleasure. These precious moments were topped off by witnessing Hannah, age eight, relating so lovingly, tenderly and maternally to the newborn sister in her arms. Like me, Hannah seemed mesmerized by many of the baby’s facial contortions and slow movements.

Thus, as I cast aside my busyness for most of the day, my senses and heart were joyfully enlivened and I was reminded of Saint-Exupery’s profoundly simple, beautiful quote at the top of this post.

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Letter to Pope Francis

by on 8:37 am in Pope Francis

Pope_Francis

Submitted by Retired Unitarian Rev. Rudolph (Rudi) C. Gelsey

April 9, 2013

His Holiness, Pope Francis

Apostolic Palace

00120 Vatican City

Dear Pope Francis:

I greet you with jubilation as our new Pope. I say “our” because you are a citizen of the world and a spiritual leader to all of us. I love everything you did during Holy Week. I salute your concern for the poor, disadvantaged, and disabled as well as support your efforts at mutual Christian-Muslim understanding and reconciliation.  You remind me of Pope John XXIII, the martyred Archbishop Oscar Romero, and your namesake, St. Francis of Assisi

To introduce myself, I’m a retired Unitarian Universalist minister with 51 years of service to my communities and dedication to the idea of world peace. I don’t think of peace as an interval between wars. Henceforth, with all the terrible weaponry, we cannot afford the brutality and destruction of more military conflicts. In this spirit, it is my pleasure and privilege to send you a copy of my book, Mending Our Broken World: A Path to Perpetual Peace.

Our first global Perpetual Peace Initiative consisted in contacting the heads of state of the five nations possessing veto power in the UN Security Council, USA, UK, France, Russia, and China. Each president as well as the Secretary General of the UN received a copy of Mending Our Broken World and a personal letter requesting they work together to abolish the veto power at the UN. In the common interest of the world community, this would overcome the system of hegemony enabling the United Nations to be truly a family of equal nations cooperating for the common good.

I look forward to hear your wisdom and that you will be open to collaborate in this effort.

In hope and humility,

Retired Rev. Rudolph Gelsey

Rev. Rudi Gelsey has a story of his life of peace activism in our men’s anthology (this site). Jim Sharon is a member of Rudi’s board to promote his “Perpetual Peace” book, which is receiving international acclaim.

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The Nature, Power and Beauty of Meditation

by on 9:29 am in meditation

meditation

My wife Ruth and I have been doing and teaching a wide variety of meditation practices for decades. Having just completed a very lovely and evocative leaders’ intensive in meditation, I feel drawn to offer several remarks about the topic of meditation.

Firstly, let me address two common misconceptions about meditation. One is that the sole, or at least primary purpose of meditation is to promote stress-reduction or deep relaxation. Although that result is often sought and relaxation-centered meditations have been widely researched and publicized, stress management is only one function of meditation.

Another major misconception is that meditation requires totally emptying one’s mind or avoiding extraneous thoughts. Virtually nobody can rid of all competing thoughts. Beginners typically experience considerable thought intrusion in the meditative process. The key is to gently/patiently and without judgment, return one’s thoughts to the focal point, i.e. to observing the breath or attuning to a specific mantra, whenever the individual becomes aware that his mind has strayed.

Many people don’t realize that some form of meditation has been advanced in every culture and religion. In addition to quiet, sedentary application, meditation sometimes involves chanting, music and/or movement. Various types of meditation can be a useful method of contemplation, clarity, prayer, healing, developing creativity, imagination and receptivity, and for expanding consciousness. In the latter case, meditation ultimately serves as a means of effacing the ego and generates spiritual development. A person’s sense of individual identity (“small self”) very gradually extends to include a realization of Self—a gnosis of the unity that pervades the universe. That profound result transcends conceptual recognition or philosophical belief.

For beginners and advanced practitioners, meditating in a group or with a community often proves a rich and powerful way to intensify one’s experience. When a person relinquishes the expectation of a particular outcome and refrains from rushing his/her process, meditation becomes a more enjoyable and fruitful practice. A sense of beauty and/or accomplishment usually occurs as a byproduct, especially after regular, prolonged practice, rather than through strong desire or intention.

 

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Teaching the Attributes of Courage

by on 10:59 am in courage

Excerpts from a training article by Sandra Ford Walston, The Courage Expert


One cannot discover new oceans until he [she] has courage to lose sight of the shore.
–Unknown

Most people have differing opinions about who has courage and how they got it. Is it learned or innate? Do you maneuver in and out depending on the circumstance at stake or can you keep advancing your level of courage consciousness? Extracting courageous leadership from courageous figures of the past can help define what can be applied in training and how they can be used to achieve results.

“Much of my life I thought you were either courageous or you weren’t. But, courage is being displayed everywhere, and one size courage does not fit all,” states John Jackson, an adjunct associate professor at Central Queensland University in Australia. He highlights a few courage distinctions displayed by famous people:

  • “Mother Theresa had the courage to work for many years with the poor of India in what most people would regard as a hopeless no-win situation.
  • Nelson Mandela had the courage to take on the apartheid system, but not to renounce armed resistance.
  • Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King had the courage to champion and live non-violent resistance.
  • Winston Churchill had the courage to do whatever it took to rid the world of Hitler and Nazism.

Courage is generally associated with being a hero. Jackson continues, “I am no hero. Most of the time my most courageous act at work was to champion peace and harmony. But as Aristotle would remind us, virtue in this instance is finding the balance between being a strong peacemaker and being a strong push-over.

Many people define courage around convictions/values, taking risks, speaking up or overcoming an illness. If you have inklings about how to dial into their courage — great! That’s the first step. The learning curve escalates when you become adept at extracting the courage varieties permeating your environment and then honoring them.

Fluid Courage

  • En-courage feedback — it takes courage to learn from others’ perspectives. employees who Acknowledge the power of honesty.
  • Confront your limitations and seek personal accountability.
  • Be proactive. “True courage is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart” (this sentence was on a flag draped on a building by Ground Zero).
  • Cross-check to review how you’re doing with your own courage context and courage quotient.

A portal to your heart opens when you strive for the best outcome. Why? The heart matures during different stages of courage development. Revelation allows you to be more self-conscious. Consciousness thrives in contemplation. Contemplation centers you in silence. Silence breeds insight. Insights augment learning.

 
One day’s courage often predicts the next day’s expansion in creativity, inspiration, dedication, deeper engagement to the task, intensity, innovation and the willingness to share insights. Models of individual courage give others permission to grow. No longer immune to its energy, courage deposits allow your heart to exhibit genius.

Courage leadership emerges naturally when human spirits come from their hearts not their heads. These authentic moments reveal the truth about learning and growing!

About the Author:

Sandra Ford Walston, known as The Courage Expert and innovator of StuckThinking™, is a learning consultant, corporate trainer and courage coach. Sandra’s expertise allows her to focus on the tricks and traps of the human condition through recognizing and interpreting courage behaviors and courageous leadership styles. She is the author of three internationally-published books:  bestseller Courage, Stuck and Face It!

 

 

 

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